Adjusting After Divorce After divorce many people feel completely shattered. They feel insecure about themselves and believe that they are not good enough to be loved or love some one else. When a divorce involves the child choosing one parent over another, it becomes all the more difficult. Going through the entire process of taking the child custody is very hectic. More than the legal proceedings it becomes very difficult for the parents to see the child go through the painful process. It is agreed that divorce is the most difficult thing that can happen to a person, but this should not stop the person from living life again. One should move on and take a vow to live life meaningfully again. After a divorce most of the people find it difficult to move on. It becomes all the more difficult if your spouse leaves you. The role that you play in the divorce plays an important part in deciding how much emotional pressure you have. If you are the person who is leaving your spouse then at least you have a sense of fulfillment that you are getting what you want. As you are mentally prepared for it you have a better control over the situation. It comes more as a shock for the person who is being left. It becomes very difficult for that person to deal with the bolt from the blue. The person who is left is general powerless to control the situation and more often than not falls victim to depression. In such situation both the person should look at their past marriage as a learning experience. If you are leaving your partner then you should assess what went wrong. Were you not satisfied in your relationship? Was there lack of mutual love? Did you need more time and attention? Once you know what went wrong you can find a match that meets these requirements. Leaving your spouse because you think things could be better is not a wise decision. If you feel something is missing without knowing what then you will never be satisfied in your new relation as well. It is prudent to accept that happiness is as elusive as a shadow, no matter how much you run after it, you will never be able to catch it. But if you turn your attention to other things you will realize that the shadow will move along with you, where ever you go. If your spouse leaves you, then it is obvious that you will be feeling a mixture of emotion. You will be sad, angry, frustrated, hurt all at the same time. In such a situation many a times you will feel like getting back at your spouse. It becomes difficult to control such feelings, but then you must realize that if it were your true love he would be with you. If he is not with you means he never was your true love. Think about the brighter sight is it not better to know that your marriage was not working other than sticking around with a failed marriage. At this time you are very vulnerable, it is best to keep yourself occupied. Think of the things that make you happy. Think of all the things that you always wanted to do but never actually got to doing it. If you wanted to learn tap dance, then go ahead and do it. Instead of brooding over your divorce, dance your way through it! There are many problems that come with a divorce. The worst affected are the children, they feel pulled in all directions. All of a sudden they are at a crossroad where they have to choose between one parents. It becomes very difficult for a young tender mind. The laws involving child custody is a very long and tedious process, it leaves all the parties emotionally exhausted. It becomes all the more difficult during the holidays when the child has to choose between which parents he would like to stay. It is generally seen that the child feels very insecure at these times; he tends to become withdrawn and draws himself in to a shell. In such times it is very important that the parents talk to their children. You should talk to your child and explain to him that you are always with him. Even if you are not meeting him regularly talk to him as regularly as you can, make him realize that things are normal. Doing this will not only comfort your child but will also strengthen the relationship between you and your child. It takes a lot of time and effort to finalize a divorce statement. This becomes all the more difficult if you have been staying together for many years. In such a case the only property that needs to be divided is not just the cars and the houses. You have to discuss who keeps the furniture, the pets all the personal belonging and a whole lot of other things. The decision as to who gets what depends on the initial asset that the individual parties had. It also depends on the length of the marriage and the lawyers’ argument. In case you are getting the house make sure that you sign the tender stating you will be in charge of all future maintenances of the house. In case your spouse takes the home then make sure that he signs the same deed. You don’t want to get stuck paying the mortgage for a home occupied by your ex-spouse do you? In some cases the spouse can enjoy his partner’s health insurance for three years. This is true especially in the case when a child is involved in the divorce and he is dependent on the health insurance of any of his parents. After divorce life does change drastically, you are drowned with the burden of the custody rights the property deal etc and not to mention the pain of losing someone who you truly loved, for so many years. You feel that you want all the years of your life back that you spent with your spouse. You begin to regret all the things that you did for him, you regret all the sacrifices made in the name of love. But doing this will not help you in any way. You should learn from your failed marriage and move on. Although the idea of dating may seem impossible to you, you should still start your love life again. This will not only help you to become normal but will also help your child adjust better. When your child will see you happy, he will realize that whatever happened happened for the best. After divorce most of the people vow never to date again while some are in two minds. Generally you tend to feel that your marriage was supposed to be forever, but it failed, and it failed miserably. You start to blame yourself for whatever went wrong, even if you are not at fault. You feel that if you start dating again you will be dumped again. Generally many people develop a commitment phobia and they feel that no one will ever love them again. They fear getting hurt. So they stop dating at all. But here is a question that I want to ask you; do you stop living just because you know you will die one day? Do you? No you don’t! So why should you stop dating for the fear of a failure, which may not even, happen! If you shy away from dating in the earlier months after divorce you will never be able to come out of the protective shell that you will have developed by then. Everyone has a right to get all the happiness in the world, you should not sell yourself too short and think that you are not worthy of being loved. This negativity should never enter your mind and you should never ever give this a thought. There are second types of people who become quite restless to get in to a relationship after a divorce. They are the ones who fear being left alone. They fear that they will have a lonely old age with no one by their side. The problem with this type of people is that they generally enter in to a relationship even when they are not prepared for it. These people go on dates with random people and more often than not are left hurt. So the question that pops up here is that, how is one to know what is the right time to start dating again? After a divorce we are emotionally vulnerable, it is a time when we crave all the love and attention in the world. Divorce is no less than a trauma, and it is quite likely that we will end up not trusting our instincts any more. To help one to decide the proper thing to do in this tricky situation, David Steele has developed an assessment. David Steele has immense experience in the field of relationship. He is the founder of Relationship Coaching institute, and is the author of conscious dating. This assessment is called the ‘relationship readiness test for singles’; this test has questions that rate you in ten different areas and your score helps you to decide whether you are ready for a relationship or not. Many of you may not be conversant of the fact that there are many levels of dating. In fact I was ignorant of it until I recently hold of this amazing fact. There are three levels of dating, let us discuss all the levels in detail. Short term recreational dating- this is not a very serious kind of dating. It just means that you gout and have fun. You are not supposed to develop any long-term commitment here. Just go out, hang around with the person and have a good time. This is a period where you can practice your dating skills. It is important that before you start dating, your partner should have clear knowledge that nothing serious is going to turn out of it. It is very unfair on your part if you go on a short-term date with a person when your date is under the impression that something may happen. This type of date is very helpful to boost the ego of those persons who have just gone through heartbreak. It actually prepares them to enter the dating arena once again. Long-term committed dating- the idea of this dating is to find a suitable partner. You have to make sure to use all your dating skills in this level. You have to make sure that you are good at sorting the right person after screening the people who are not suited to your taste. Once you think that you have found your match, you have to be committed. But, beware; don’t pop the question just yet! Wait and see for yourself if you are actually ready for marriage. Just be committed and give your relationship the required time. Wait and watch. Mini-marriage- Yes mini marriage is the stage in which the couples get married even before giving their relationship the required time. They generally are too quick in coming at that decision and this generally leads to a failed marriage. Generally the people who fall trap to this type of dating are the people who are just out of a divorce. These people badly want to have all that they had just lost. They crave for a partner and hence thy end up getting committed too soon.
Dating is a very tricky issue; it becomes all the trickier if you are entering the dating arena after a divorce. Some people are dating even before the divorce; generally this is the cause of the divorce. In certain cases people think that they can never start dating again after their divorce. When you are married to a person with whom you obviously want to spend the rest of your life with, you have spent the best part of your life with him, you have dreamt his dreams and made sure that they turned in to reality, after all this you feel that you will never be able to date anyone again. You feel appalled even at the idea of dating someone. Although it is understandable that you may feel this way for dating, but the fact remains that it is not wrong in dating again after divorce. You are legally single and you have all the right to mingle. I understand that law can state that you are no longer a part of the relationship with your husband, but it becomes very difficult to accept it in reality. It is like a part of you has been cut away from you. But there is one thing that I firmly believe in, memories are easier to hold on to people, so cherish all the good times that you had in the relationship and move on. The problem is not dating, but the major problem after a divorce is to decide, when to start dating. The time after divorce is the best time for introspection, it is the time when you can ask yourself what went wrong. You can figure out what was lacking in your relationship, you can find out what are the things that you want and never got the opportunity of getting. See, the idea here is not that you should take the entire blame on yourself, you should try to be practical, find out what was it that was lacking in your relationship and work towards it so that you have a better future relationship. The thing that is most important in deciding whether you are ready to date or not, is the fact, that what the physical and the emotional state of mind that you are in. This depends on the entire phase of your divorce. If you were deceived and abused, it will take a long time before the pain can go. You will never be able to forgive your spouse and more so, yourself for trusting that person ……but all this is not important, what is over is over so all you can do is to heal yourself. You should try, to prepare yourself emotionally and physically to live life with a new zest and vigor. It is best not to enter in to a new relationship until you are completely over your past relationship. Having a closure helps. Discuss with your ex-spouse that you have completely forgiven and forgotten what happened. You can also take professional help in such cases. Counseling can help. Sometimes you get a better perspective of life when you talk to nameless, faceless strangers, you can discuss your problems with some online chat friend, it may sound absurd, but sometimes you just need someone whom you can talk to without the fear of being judged. If you do not want external help, then just give yourself time. Time is the best medicine and the only medicine that heal all the wounds no matter how deep they are. Do you know that forgiving a person is like setting a prisoner free? And realizing that the prisoner was you! Until you forgive a person, you keep thinking about it. You are always cribbing and in the process only hurting yourself. You should not wait for the person to come and ask forgiveness from you, he may not even be aware of how much he has hurt you. You should instead forgive him for the sake of your own sanity. Most importantly, forgive yourself. You may have made mistakes, you might have not been perfect, but realize that no one is perfect in this world. No one is a saint and think about it, if you had Been a saint you would never have married in the first place right? If you date too fast after your divorce, then you will miss on this opportunity of healing, you will not get the time of introspection. It is important that you do not enter a relationship when you are not completely out of your past. If you are too hasty in doing it, then you may ruin your present relationship because of the past. You don’t want that, do you? You are the best judge to decide how much time you require, but one thing is sure, you do need time. Give yourself a break. You can look at the brighter side; a failed relationship makes you better prepared for a future relationship. You did not lose anything out of a failed marriage. You emerged as a winner and that is what you will always be. To begin dating after a divorce, there are certain things that need to be checked. You should first check if you still have feelings for your ex-spouse. Do you still care for him? Do you still hope that you might get back together? Are you hoping that distance between you and your spouse will create love once again in your relationship? If you are still pinning for your ex, then you are not ready to date once again. Instead of building fancy ideas, what is important is that you have a frank discussion with your ex. Discuss with him the possibility of you two getting back together. If your partner has left you, then first evaluate if it is possible, for you to change. If you have broken up with your partner because the fundamental nature of you two do not match, then let me warn you it is a very difficult thing to change ones nature. You should not flow under the emotions and promise your ex that you would change for him. Doing that would be promising more than you can actually deliver. Promise to change things only that you can. It is the time that you have to weigh the pros against the cons you have to decide what you want. For example, if you have broken up because your husband does not approve your job, then decide whether you will be able to be happy by leaving the job. Don’t take any hasty decision. Although life can be understood by looking back, it can be lived only by looking forward. If you keep recalling the good times you had with your spouse, chances are that you will find that the break up was a waste. You are likely to blame yourself for not compromising, may be even taking up all the blame. When you feel this way, think of the reasons, which prompted you to break up. Think of all the things that went wrong. Analyze whether these things were significant for you or not. If your ex is already in a relationship it is a great sign for you to move on. Accept it, your ex is with someone else and he is happy. Move on, find your own happiness, the entire world is waiting with open arms, but it won’t be waiting forever. When you go out on your first date after divorce, go to a public place. This will ensure that both of you’ll are comfortable as the obstacle of personal security is conveniently removed. Do not be in a hurry to rush things. Take things slow; try and get to know the person you are dating. After a few dates you will realize that you will be extremely comfortable dating once again! You will gain the same poise and charm and confidence that you had prior to your divorce. Just a word of caution here, do not be in a hurry to introduce your ex to your family, this creates unnecessary pressure.
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